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Martial Arts movies, you either love them or you hate them. There is no middle ground. They invoke passion on either side. If you love them you’ll probably watch any old rubbish so long as there is some chance of someone getting a kick to the head. What’s more you will probably even get a kick (pun totally intended) out of the cheesy badly dubbed dialogue. Classic lines to be found in almost any Chinese movie are, “My uncle sent me” and “My mother told me not to fight”. They are uttered by the hero and are brilliant. They usually precede the first big fight in which lifelong friends and enemies are made. Formulas are big in martial arts movies.

The most classic and unchangeable formula is the one for the final fight scene. This is the one on one fight between the ultimate baddie and the ultimate goodie. The hero always starts well, he climbs into the bad guy and gains the upper hand. It looks like it could all be plain sailing and then the bad guy gets in a few well placed kicks and punches. The hero starts to bleed and breathe heavily and they retreat to circle each other and eye each other warily. In the second round the hero gets roughed up quite badly but he still manages to get in a few good licks here and there, mostly it belongs the to the bad guy. The hero usually has a swollen eye or a limp or an old injury has flared up again or something similar. In round three the hero gets the bejeesus beaten out of him. You’d think he’d never learned to fight at all. The size of the can of whippass that gets opened is not to be rivaled. Until round four. When something inspirational happens to the hero. He either catches a glimpse of the girl he loves or he remembers her in a particularly touching moment or he remembers some very sage advice from his mentor or he just gets the absolute hell in with the evil laughing son of a, and he pulls himself towards himself and fights like nobody’s business. The bad guys is overwhelmed, and depending on the movie, is either knocked out cold or knocked out dead. The hero bloody and maimed but victorious.

Women in martial arts movies used to be fairly redundant. They were there to make squeaky noises and look pretty and that was about it. Sometimes the bad guy kidnapped them and sometimes they were used as decoys to trap the hero blah blah, but they were seldom integral to the plot. And in martial arts movies plot is vital. These days, however, women are playing a far more central role and are taking the men on in physical combat. What is more, they are winning. Zhang Ziyi has almost single handedly turned martial arts into the sexiest thing that a women can do. In one of those interminable top 10 count downs that tabloids love to do, she was voted the sexiest action star, above the likes of Clive Owen, Bruce Willis and Denzel Washington. Pretty good going for a young lady who defies gravity at every opportunity. It must be said though that Zhang Ziyi probably wouldn’t be where she is now if it wasn’t for Michelle Yeoh. She is supremely talented and definitely paved the way for other women to have successful careers in martial arts movies and not just as the eye candy.

Every movie fan has their favourite martial arts star. There are a few to choose from. Jet Li is probably the most popular with moviemakers at the moment. He is massively talented with a body that can do anything. One very memorable Jet Li scene is in Kiss of the Dragon when an alarm is beeping and to stop the irritating noise, he kicks the button over one shoulder, with the opposite leg. Its mucho impressive. Also in Kiss of the Dragon, he kicks a snooker ball out of its pocket and while it is in the air, he kicks it again and it hits a bad guy in the noggin and kills him. It is uber cool. No special effects. He doesn’t need them. Another man who doesn’t need special effects is Jackie Chan. Everyone loves Jackie Chan. If you didn’t laugh during Shanghai Noon then you need to get your sense of humour checked. He has oodles of character and he loves his work and it comes across while he’s doing it. His star might be on the wane in Hollywood but he has hordes of fans and they will love him until death. He brings his own unique brand and style to the genre and he doesn’t follow the formula. At all. He also made bloopers indispensable in credits. Not to mention the fact that he is the inspiration behind a zillion other aspiring martial arts stars. Chow Yun-Fat. He is an icon. Who else could have taken on the role in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and played it with such dignity, solemnity and aplomb (apparently Jet Li was offered the role and turned it down, information given merely as an aside, and perhaps as food for thought). Chow Yun-Fat also has a sneaky sense of humour that he probably feels he is entitled to indulge at this stage in his career, which is why we see him in Bullet Proof Monk and Pirates of the Caribbean. I’m not going to expand on Bruce Lee, what does one say about a legend? His actions speak for themselves.

You will note there is no mention of European martial arts stars. Let us try and think of some and still maintain the serious tone of this article. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Dolf Lundgren. Don “the dragon” Wilson. Chuck Norris. Steven Segal. Now a true martial arts movie fan will watch movies with any or all of these actors in them. Some of us are picky and will only watch some of them. The point is we watch them. You don’t have to tell us how sad we are, we know, and still we watch them.

Do you want to know why we watch some of the cheesiest movies in cinematic history? Well, so do we. We sit on the couch in front of the TV and we think “holy bug juice! This is seriously bad. Why am I not in bed already?” and an hour later we’re still in front of the TV watching that last fight scene and sitting on the edge of our seats even though its going according to the formula and then it ends and we’re so relieved because the hero won. We sit back and relax and say, “Boy that was a load of bollocks.” And we’re right back there for the next one. It could be because we harbour secret desires to be top-notch ninjas ourselves. With all the cool kicks, punches, somersaults, jumps and swords in the world. It’s probably mostly that we envy their abilities and want them for ourselves. It could also be partly because we’re just a violent and bloodthirsty lot, completely missing the boat regarding the philosophy of martial arts and its centering, mind and body melding applications.