Divorce is Not the Way Out
by James Walsh on 2007-11-19
When two individuals from different value systems come together in such a close relationship, they naturally give rise to differences. These differences cause a lot of strain in a marriage leading to conflicts.
Confrontations and conflicts can only be avoided for a limited time period during which a lot of negative energy is created in the relationship. Any delay or reluctance shown in dealing with these conflicts gives rise to feelings of anger, fear, hatred, and guilt which are a natural recipe for disaster. There comes a time in the marriage when these pent-up emotions erupt and result in separation and divorce.
Divorce is another defining moment in a person’s life and one of the most stressful ones. Its stress-causing quotient is only next to the death of a spouse. Also, divorce causes a lot of distress not only for the couple but also for the other people involved like children, family and friends. Besides the couple involved, the people most affected by it are their children, if any.
Divorce may seem like the only recourse or the only solution to the marital problems at times. Couples give up on each other, on their marriage and ask for divorce. A lot of times they are not ready to make the effort needed. They look for the easy way out in the form of divorce.
Divorce, however, is not the “easy” way out. It involves a lot of factors which are not apparent at the face of it. It is, in fact, not the end of problems but a beginning of many new ones. There are many reasons why couples should attempt to restore their marriage and not get divorced:
1. Effect on Children: Many couples decide to live together for the sake of their children. There is no telling whether it is the right thing to do. But one thing is for sure that divorce does affect and impair children’s growth. They experience great stress and anxiety, become insecure and under-confident and grow up to be adults suffering from behavioural problems. They shy away from commitment and often add to the statistics of divorced and separated individuals.
2. Financial Implications: There is division or loss of income. The joint assets which need to be divided are liquidated. A change of job, lawyer’s high solicitation charges and single parenthood, all add up to huge expenses, loss in income and reduction in living standards. Women especially feel the pinch and most single mothers fall below poverty line after a divorce.
3. Displacement: The couple and the children face displacement. There is an all pervasive sense of displacement, physical or emotional. Often one of the spouses and the children have to shift to a new house, a new job. Children suffer too as they also have to move due to single parent situation. All this takes the couple and the children away from the comfort of all that is known and familiar. Even friends (especially if they are married) and common friends of the spouse lose touch. Even the relatives of the spouse whom you or the children are close to (like grandparents) get distanced.
4. Emotional Stress: Divorce is a painful process involving separation from the spouse, breaking up of family, end of dreams and expectations of marital bliss and an admission that you have failed to save your marriage. Feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety and distress assail and it is difficult not to fall prey to depression. Often, in front of the children, a parent has to put up a brave front of false strength and total control when he or she feels none of that. It is an emotionally testing time for a parent.
Often, individuals regret their decision to divorce after undergoing the whole process and experiencing its implications. They realize that it was not a very well thought out decision and the earlier situation was nowhere as unpleasant as they made it out to be. Research has also shown that couples, who wear out the phase when the marriage hits rock-bottom and stay together, come out stronger on the other side. Their marriage not only survives but becomes healthier and happier than ever.
Hence, couples should understand that marriage, like all relationships, cannot be taken for granted. It has its share of ups and downs which are passing phases. To survive and strengthen the bond needs constant effort. Divorce is not a solution, at least not the “only one” for all marital problems.
Confrontations and conflicts can only be avoided for a limited time period during which a lot of negative energy is created in the relationship. Any delay or reluctance shown in dealing with these conflicts gives rise to feelings of anger, fear, hatred, and guilt which are a natural recipe for disaster. There comes a time in the marriage when these pent-up emotions erupt and result in separation and divorce.
Divorce is another defining moment in a person’s life and one of the most stressful ones. Its stress-causing quotient is only next to the death of a spouse. Also, divorce causes a lot of distress not only for the couple but also for the other people involved like children, family and friends. Besides the couple involved, the people most affected by it are their children, if any.
Divorce may seem like the only recourse or the only solution to the marital problems at times. Couples give up on each other, on their marriage and ask for divorce. A lot of times they are not ready to make the effort needed. They look for the easy way out in the form of divorce.
Divorce, however, is not the “easy” way out. It involves a lot of factors which are not apparent at the face of it. It is, in fact, not the end of problems but a beginning of many new ones. There are many reasons why couples should attempt to restore their marriage and not get divorced:
1. Effect on Children: Many couples decide to live together for the sake of their children. There is no telling whether it is the right thing to do. But one thing is for sure that divorce does affect and impair children’s growth. They experience great stress and anxiety, become insecure and under-confident and grow up to be adults suffering from behavioural problems. They shy away from commitment and often add to the statistics of divorced and separated individuals.
2. Financial Implications: There is division or loss of income. The joint assets which need to be divided are liquidated. A change of job, lawyer’s high solicitation charges and single parenthood, all add up to huge expenses, loss in income and reduction in living standards. Women especially feel the pinch and most single mothers fall below poverty line after a divorce.
3. Displacement: The couple and the children face displacement. There is an all pervasive sense of displacement, physical or emotional. Often one of the spouses and the children have to shift to a new house, a new job. Children suffer too as they also have to move due to single parent situation. All this takes the couple and the children away from the comfort of all that is known and familiar. Even friends (especially if they are married) and common friends of the spouse lose touch. Even the relatives of the spouse whom you or the children are close to (like grandparents) get distanced.
4. Emotional Stress: Divorce is a painful process involving separation from the spouse, breaking up of family, end of dreams and expectations of marital bliss and an admission that you have failed to save your marriage. Feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety and distress assail and it is difficult not to fall prey to depression. Often, in front of the children, a parent has to put up a brave front of false strength and total control when he or she feels none of that. It is an emotionally testing time for a parent.
Often, individuals regret their decision to divorce after undergoing the whole process and experiencing its implications. They realize that it was not a very well thought out decision and the earlier situation was nowhere as unpleasant as they made it out to be. Research has also shown that couples, who wear out the phase when the marriage hits rock-bottom and stay together, come out stronger on the other side. Their marriage not only survives but becomes healthier and happier than ever.
Hence, couples should understand that marriage, like all relationships, cannot be taken for granted. It has its share of ups and downs which are passing phases. To survive and strengthen the bond needs constant effort. Divorce is not a solution, at least not the “only one” for all marital problems.
About The Author: James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com