Parenting Advice: Children Who Lie
by Dr. Noel Swanson on 2007-09-22
Nothing creates adult anger like children lying. It's ironic since it's usually adults who set the child up to lie. This is how it works:
Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at somebody:
"Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?" [What, you expect me to confess if you don't know?]
"Like what? I haven't been doing anything", he says innocently and looked a bit confused.
"Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm, maybe I can get away with this.]
"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing.
"Interesting, since Mavis said you did."
"It was some other kid. I wouldn't do that." [She'll believe me over some nosy neighbour!]
"She seems pretty sure it was you."
"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"
Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.
Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded.
The next time you suspect your child of something, remain calm.
If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you already know and what the consequences will be.
You can also ask him to tell you the truth. Here is an example that won't giver him the option to lie about it:
"Greg, Mavis informed me of something she witnessed this afternoon. I would like to have you tell me what went on. Go to your room and think about it for 15 minutes. While you're thinking, keep in mind how much we value honesty in our home."
This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are consequences for both.
Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. Tthey won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say.
Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at somebody:
"Greg, what have you been up to this afternoon?" [What, you expect me to confess if you don't know?]
"Like what? I haven't been doing anything", he says innocently and looked a bit confused.
"Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm, maybe I can get away with this.]
"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing.
"Interesting, since Mavis said you did."
"It was some other kid. I wouldn't do that." [She'll believe me over some nosy neighbour!]
"She seems pretty sure it was you."
"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"
Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.
Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded.
The next time you suspect your child of something, remain calm.
If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you already know and what the consequences will be.
You can also ask him to tell you the truth. Here is an example that won't giver him the option to lie about it:
"Greg, Mavis informed me of something she witnessed this afternoon. I would like to have you tell me what went on. Go to your room and think about it for 15 minutes. While you're thinking, keep in mind how much we value honesty in our home."
This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are consequences for both.
Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. Tthey won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say.
About The Author: Dr. Noel Swanson is a leading expert on child behaviour. He has a top selling book of parenting advice (The GOOD CHILD Guide) and writes for a fascinating website with lots of parenting advice that is well worth a visit. Don't reprint this article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.